If you listen to everyday conversations, no matter if at a big party, a family lunch or a fleeting encounter with a friend, a big share of the conversations are going to form around the topic of human relationships.
Without any doubt it’s an important topic. If you look around, most relationships you see are problematic in one way or another. In this blogpost I’d like to give you easy-to-implement tips to address relationship problems, all of them based on my personal and professional experience as a Karmia Killer Yoga instructor by Anamé Program.
I thought I’d begin with romantic relationships, and then go on with relatives and friends. Even if you have issues with these other two types, I encourage you to read the first part of the post, too, as a human relationship is a human relationship after all. Therefore, when we talk about raising them to a higher level and coming out of the hamster wheel of repeated scenes, situations and casting, we’ll find more similarities than differences.
Those you’re living together with are almost always the people with whom you have the deepest karmic relationships, therefore they will be the ones to support your development the most (and vice versa). Now, as super inspiring as it may sound, sometimes it doesn’t feel like that much fun.:)
But as always, there’s a choice. As an illustration, I’ll show you two different types of romantic relationships. I deliberately chose examples from my own life, so that what I’m talking about is real and not just a bunch of thoughts and ideas.
It’s important to mention that it’s not my intention (and as a human being, not my job;)) to judge anyone, including myself. And of course, these stories, just like any other, have two sides, and now you’ll hear only my side of them.
So I encourage you to not judge the characters or their behaviour, either. Because judgement has never ever helped raise any relationship to a higher level. Therefore, the reason that I share these stories with you is not because I want some comfort or empathy and to ‘have’ you on my side. It’s because I see many relationship issues and work with the pain that’s connected to them. And I know from experience that there are more effective and more thorough ways of solving issues than simply trying to communicate better (although as a general rule, good communication is crucial to a well functioning relationship).
Relationship type A;)
She’s had a difficult time at the workplace. Someone accused her of an attitude that really isn’t characteristic of her. Saying that she is selfish, throwing her intention to help in a different light, suggesting that she doesn’t care about the welfare of others, of her colleagues.
She feels it to be such an unjust attack that she doesn’t even want to defend herself. What can she even respond if that’s really how they see her? If after so many years of working together they don’t see that her intentions are good.
She’s heading home, feeling the need for attention. For her partner to give it to her and the other way round as well. She’d like some cuddling and intimacy. She opens the door and enters.
He’s in the kitchen, doing the dishes. He comes to see her and greets her with a kiss and there’s some small talk. He’s had something to eat already so she quickly makes some rice noodles with vegetables for herself. While she’s preparing the food, he asks if there’s anything wrong, anything he can help with.
She hesitates, feeling the urge of sharing her thoughts and emotions with him. It’d be nice to have a look at what happened from a different point of view, a different angle. She’d like to see the possibility of growth and development. She’d be open to a different approach, helping her to see what this situation wants from her, holds for her. And she’d like to feel the connection between them, him and her, the care, the support.
It’d be nice. But. Experience tells her to be cautious. Other nights with other stories and separate dinners. With him behind the computer screen, asking politely what the matter is. But not really listening, not really caring. She telling her story, followed by some grunt of him, intended to be sympathetic and a quick plaster of I love you. She again, being left lonely, the most painful feeling in a relationship.
So she’s reluctant to say it. Sometimes she goes for it and risks ending up feeling lonely again. But not tonight. She doesn’t want to, it hurts already.
Relationship type B;)
She opens the door. He’s just back from shopping for groceries. She feels welcome, expected.
It’s kind of late, time for dinner, so she goes help him in the kitchen. There are some good laughs but he knows that something is off and asks.
She tells him. Lay the table and light the candles, we’ll talk about it over dinner. Is that alright?
With only the light of the Himalayan salt lamp and the candles their ‘dinner playlist’ is on. He’s asking questions. Wants to investigate what it is in her that tries to convince her that she’s not good enough. Or justifying her sharp reaction, lashing out.
Talking to him, she knows already that what she’s giving way to is one of her blockages. She says it’s no good. He shows her another angle, one that’s rather based on love and development, and not on her fear-based judgments. He knows those, some of them out of his own experience. He tells her how much he loves her for being able to see it, too. How much he admires her sensitivity for the truth and her strength to face her blocks and go against her fears.
She feels accepted. Loves him and is grateful to and for him at the same time. The way he listens, connects, loves, supports, stays with her. He may be in a similar situation tomorrow. She’ll be there for him, too.
There’s a tragedy to the first one. It’s not an abusive relationship and there’s no ‘bad one’ in it. People live in far worse relationships. There’s still love, of some sort. Here, the tragedy is much more the pain of a life without true connection, which is so common that we consider it to be normal.
These two relationships are not fictional. They are both examples from my own life, before you accuse me of using some movie scenes to press my point.;)
- Common goals. Share pictures in which you imagine yourselves as a happy couple. Let it be detailed and colorful and feel amazing. Imagine your daily routines: how it feels to wake up next to each other. What thoughts and feelings you have when you open your eyes in the morning and see him/her lying in the bed next to you. How you spend your free time together, at home or outside, the activities you share and even how you spend those everyday moments in the kitchen or in the bathroom.
- Be grateful. This is a crucial one. If you forget to be grateful for the person who is by your side, your partner, you will start to take him or her for granted. And taking each other for granted, taking the relationship for granted is like a death sentence. It won’t necessarily mean that you’re actually going to break up. But it doesn’t matter, because a relationship can die without the two parties actually breaking up with each other and deciding to go on separately.
And how do you know if the relationship has died? There’s a feeling to it and most of the time we know exactly if this is the case, we just don’t like to acknowledge it. In such cases there’s no flow, no evolution and no living connection. You just run around in the same circles, playing the assigned role.
So take the time and the energy to regularly tell each other what you value, what you love or admire in the other and that you’re grateful for him or her and for your relationship. It may feel like a nuisance, especially if you’re tired or immersed in everyday worries and problems, but I encourage you to try it anyway. You’ll be surprised to see that the energy you put into this practice will come back multiple times.
- Give your attention
Attention is energy. We may not look at it like that, but whenever we withdraw from whatever our partner is going through, being meager with our attention, we’re trying to save energy. This is a false idea, so don’t fall into its trap. Because by holding back your energy in order to keep it for yourself you’re blocking its natural flow between the two of you. It’s a bit similar to airing the room during wintertime: you may be reluctant to do so because even if you feel drowsy at least it’s warm inside and the cold wind feels unfriendly. But when you finally decide to let some fresh air in you feel better, more energized and alert.
The same way, when instead of sparing yourself you commit time and attention to your relationship, you’ll give it a boost of energy. And in the free flow that’s being born it’s easier to let go of old harms and grievances. And then there’s more space for true and clear connection and for the power that’s being born out of it, for creativity and joy.
- Address the problems. Undisclosed issues tend to sink deeper and create blockages, which, in time, can hinder the free, equal and loving connection that form the basis of all good relationships.
There may be topics that are too painful or otherwise hard to talk about. There may be other strong feelings like anger that, if you let them out uncontrolled, may be more about taking an old harm out on your partner or taking revenge than about actually solving the problem. If this is the case, then you may be fooling yourselves by saying that you’re working on the problems while in reality what happens is that both parties are cherishing their grudges, blaming the other or themselves, the circumstances or all of this combined. Should this be the case, it can be helpful to use methods that bypass the mind to eliminate the risk of deceiving yourselves. So I put together a list of such methods that you can use for free.
- Extra crutches
∙ The soul exercise by Anamé Program
If you’ve read any other blogpost by me, you must have encountered this one. This exercise will help you connect to each other and also to divine support beyond words, higher up than where the conscious mind can reach:
In case you suffer from high blood pressure, reflux or panic attacks, try this one instead:
With any other health issue please consult your healthcare provider for any possible contraindications.
It’s ideal if you repeat it 3-5 times in the morning and then do 3-5 repetition again in the evening, together. But if it doesn’t fit your daily routine, feel free to modify the routine according to your daily schedules. Remember that having only one round instead of two or doing it separately or with fewer repetitions is still better than not doing it.
∙ The soul consciousness exercise by Anamé Program
Find a place in your flat or house for an altar. Place your photographs on it or if you don’t have one, choose an object that symbolizes your relationship: it can be a photograph, maybe a souvenir from a holiday and a candle or a tea light, some flowers if you like. Keep it simple, nice to look at, lean and well organized. The way you invite this altar into your home, invite each other, your relationship into your heart.
Light the candle and practice the soul exercise and/or meditate in front of the altar every day. The soul exercise goes with a mantra, which you repeat at the end, during your breath retention. You can use it if it feels right: I love and accept myself and everyone else. We are one.
Stand or sit comfortably, facing each other. Breathe in and bring your attention from your heart to the other’s. Breathe out, and bring your attention back to your heart. Continue for 5-10 minutes, as it feels good. At the end of it, you may say to each other (in yourselves or aloud): I love you with all my heart and I forgive you. You are free and I am free, too.
∙ Soul frequency by Anamé Music – crown chakra
Frequency is another crutch when it comes to inner work. It’s able to help you tune to a higher energy level when you feel that the conflict is too big for you to handle. This one is accompanied by a guided meditation by Anamé Valéria Balázs, the founder of Anamé Program. And although at the moment it’s available only in Hungarian, I still encourage you to try, because its binaural frequencies work perfectly well without understanding the words. In case it’s disturbing, feel free to turn down the volume until you cannot hear Anamé talking – the frequency will still do its job:
Family, friends, people who passed away or you’re not keeping contact with
Basically, the same rules apply. It’s important to remember that even if your grievance is just, your soul will still ask you to forgive, not only because love is the law of the universe, but because you yourself also agreed to it when you came to this world – out of your free will.
It doesn’t mean that you won’t have negative feelings on the way or that you shouldn’t have them. The path of development is not about suppressing the problems or conflicts. It’s about transcending. To understand with our whole being that my suffering is your suffering and vice versa. And we can only get rid of it together.
So with whomever you have a problematic relationship, if you live in the same household, you can apply any of the above techniques, tailoring it to the type of relationship.
In case the other party doesn’t feel like working on the relationships, or you live separately, or the other has already passed away, see point 5 above, with the extra crutches. You can do all of them alone. As for the meditation, you may imagine the other sitting or standing opposite you.
Give them time. For me and many other people they worked wonders. And I’m excited for you, because I know that should you decide to try, an amazing journey awaits you.
In the next post we’ll go on with the topic of relationships, including that to ourselves, discussing their role and importance. Hope to see you there!